You know what they make you do in prison? Toss the salad

He's done it. Ugeth Urbina, or as I like to call him Zorro, has been convicted of attacking people with a machete and pouring gasoline on his victims. I really don't give a crap, but I'm happy I found a good way to post a picture of Jay and Silent Bob.

*I know that's not the right quote. I took liberties with it because I don't know if they have counties in Venezuela. SO LEAVE ME ALONE

Fantasy Rosters

Like many fans, I play fantasy baseball. This is, if I remember correctly, my 4th season playing. I've played in three separate leagues (three separate circles of friends) in head-to-head, points, and rotisserie scoring variations. I have yet to attempt an auction or salary cap league, but I'm sure that will come with time. Anyway, I'm playing in two leagues this year. One is on Yahoo!, which is awesome 'cause it's free. The other is on The Sporting News, which is awesome because they have really in depth expert advice. Anyway, here are my rosters:

Yahoo League:
C- Joe Mauer
1b- Carlos "Delgordo" Delgado
2b- Ray Durham
3b- Scott Rolen
SS- Jose "Professor" Reyes (today I teach you how say clap)
OF- Carl Crawford
OF- Jermaine Dye
OF- Torii Hunter
Util- Rickie Weeks
Util- Richie Sexson
Util- Nick Swisher
BN- Tadahito Iguchi
BN- Willy Taveras
BN- Paul "DoLuca" LoDuca
BN- Paul Bako

SP- Chris Carpenter
SP- C.C. "where's my run support" Sabathia
SP- John "Slackjaw" Lackey
RP- Billy "the geezer" Wagner
RP- Jason Isringhausen
RP- Joel Zumaya
P- Dan Haren
P- Bronson Arroyo
P- Kelvim Escobar
BN- Jonathan Broxton
BN- A.J. "DL" Burnett

Notes: I'm pretty speed heavy here. I was late to the draft, and Jose Reyes and Carl Crawford got auto-drafted for me. Nobody needs both those guys. If I had been around, I would have drafted someone with some power in the second round, but that's what trades are for.

T.S.N. League:

C- Mike "Pizza" Piazza

1b- David "Viva El Papi" Ortiz

2b- Tadahito Iguchi

3b- Miguel Cabrera

SS- Carlos Guillen

OF- Ichiro Suzuki

OF- Jermaine Dye

OF- Juan Pierre

Util- Corey Patterson

Util- Moises Alou

Bn- Jason Varitek

Bn- Mark DeRosa

SP- Chris Carpenter

SP- John "Yokel" Lackey

SP- Ervin "no, the other Santana" Santana

RP- Bobby Jenks

RP- Bob Wickman

P- Jake Westbrook

P- Scot Shields

Bn- Kenny "Mudgate" Rogers

Bn- Dan "Lidge, who?" Wheeler

Bn- Anthony "best socks" Reyes

Notes: Jim informs me I'm speed heavy here too, but if one of my bench guys is more productive than Patterson, I'm right in the thick of it. Jim also informs me, I'm projected to have a .300 team average. Between the lines is the fact that I'm betting on several contingencies- a) that Brad Lidge's post traumatic stress disorder will linger and the 'stros will turn to wheeler; b) that the Fat-Closers-Named-Bob-Club can put down the chili and net me a couple saves; c) that Ervin Santana will finally blow up; d) that John Lackey won't blow up in the negative sense; e) that this is the season Anthony Reyes becomes an ace; f) that Jermaine Dye can repeat last year; g) that Mike Piazza will stage his comeback. It seems like a lot, but most of these things are, in my opinion, quite likely to come out my way (especially b, c, d, and g.)

Dee Dee Dee

No story here, just wanted to share a picture of Ken Griffey Jr. looking like a muppet with palsy. Feel free to comment.

Have another you fuckin lush!

Well Tonya LaRussa has become the manager of the All-DUI team. You wonder why he wore the sunglasses during night games? Obviously the glare from the lights made his hangover worse. Since I can't think right now, can we make the All-DUI team? Come on with players from each position who have been arrested for a DUI. Was John Kruk? I don't know. He should have been.

I'm a Pro

It's official. I've been published in an ESPN.com baseball blog. Jayson Stark's to be exact. Now forget about the fact that it's not my blog, or that it's unsolicited information that I e-mailed to ESPN because I was bored and I'm a loser, or that it was drastically edited (meaning only half of what I submitted got on there, with approximately none of the words I actually used). Just remember. I'm on an ESPN blog, you're not (unless you are, in which case we should hang out). ESPN blogs are part of the insider package thing, which means they charge you to read it. Now why do that when you can read my brilliant prose here for free?

Here's what it says for those of you who aren't insiders and hence are less cool than me and probably don't get published in multinational blogs by billionaire broadcasting companies:

"And now, here are your favorite box-score lines from the weekend, as submitted by our trusty readers:

2 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 ER, 0 BB, 4 K

Speaking of dark-horse Cy Young candidates, loyal reader "Matt in New Jersey" submitted that line, by Jonathan Papelbon, March 3 vs. the Phillies. The strikeout victims included Ryan Howard and Aaron Rowand. "

Now, what Stark left off (probably to avoid having ESPN fire him and pay me half as much to do his job) is Joel Pineiro's line from that same game:

1.1 IP, 4 H, 4 R, 4 ER, 2 BB, 0 K, 1 HR

You needn't reach for a calculator, I'll save you the trouble. That's a 15.43 ERA. Keep in mind, this is the guy the Sox are eyeing to close games this season because the aforementioned Papelbon has health issues that leave him better suited for the rotation.

So here's how the joke can go this Spring:

What do Jonathan Papelbon and Joel Pineiro have in common?

Neither of them can save games for the Red Sox.

[insert rim-shot here]