Weekly Line Bitches

No Pitching this week. I did play Catcher and get my first throwout at second of the season. Guy tried to run on a passed ball...jackass.

That said, I did get some plate appearances:

2AB, 2B, 2BB, 1R

This was a pretty good day for me. Unfortunately, I got my double in the 1st inning and grounded out when I lead off the 9th. I missed a home run by about two feet as the beisbol allegedly bounced over the fence. We lost 6-2, but we could have been a little more competitive. We probably won't lose again this season.

Thank you...and keep your gizzard tucked in next time.

My Weekly Line

Something smells out there. Wait...it's me.

Pitching: 7IP, 8H, 5R, 4ER, 5BB 7K, W (2-0) .

This wasn't a bad performance for me. It certainly wasn't my best. I definitely did not have my best stuff. I walked the bases loaded in the first and gave up four runs.

Batting: 8AB, 4R, 2H, 1HR, 2RBI, 1BB.

Right now I am hitting .278 for the season...unacceptable. After hitting a tater in my first official at-bat, I couldn't hit the ball well. It would either be a can of corn to the right fielder or a meek ground ball to some other asshole.

OOO...SORI...SORI...

Hey Alex. How are ya? Oh YOU even know that Soriano does not belong in the leadoff spot? Sure, he hit there for a little more than half the season in 2006 and he put up some good numbers. A team with title aspirations can not be wasting a 40/40 type player in the leadoff spot. Say he hits 30 of his 40 potential home runs whilst leading off the game? You are only winning 1-0 at that point. Someone with all five tools needed to succeed should not be languishing in the leadoff spot. Cubbies will disappoint again. Unfortunately, this is the most wide open the NL Central has been in a really long time. It is a bad time to make bad decisions. That said, Let's go Mets.

Roger that?

Clemens wants to wait a month and see who has the greatest chances of winning a World Series. Wang is out for a month and Pavano is leading the Yankees on opening day. I like the chances of the Red Sox having Clemens take Tavarez spot in the rotation. As far as Houston goes...yeah right. Houston has no chance of putting together a solid season and Clemens wouldn't fall for that again would he? I guess all there is left is to question Rogers ability at this time in his career. We haven't had a reason to doubt him yet, but he is an old man. How much would it suck to have 4 million dollars a month burning on the DL? Time will tell, but he wants to be a part of something special and I bet you there would be nothing more special than leaving baseball as a World Champion Red Sox.

You know what they make you do in prison? Toss the salad

He's done it. Ugeth Urbina, or as I like to call him Zorro, has been convicted of attacking people with a machete and pouring gasoline on his victims. I really don't give a crap, but I'm happy I found a good way to post a picture of Jay and Silent Bob.

*I know that's not the right quote. I took liberties with it because I don't know if they have counties in Venezuela. SO LEAVE ME ALONE

Fantasy Rosters

Like many fans, I play fantasy baseball. This is, if I remember correctly, my 4th season playing. I've played in three separate leagues (three separate circles of friends) in head-to-head, points, and rotisserie scoring variations. I have yet to attempt an auction or salary cap league, but I'm sure that will come with time. Anyway, I'm playing in two leagues this year. One is on Yahoo!, which is awesome 'cause it's free. The other is on The Sporting News, which is awesome because they have really in depth expert advice. Anyway, here are my rosters:

Yahoo League:
C- Joe Mauer
1b- Carlos "Delgordo" Delgado
2b- Ray Durham
3b- Scott Rolen
SS- Jose "Professor" Reyes (today I teach you how say clap)
OF- Carl Crawford
OF- Jermaine Dye
OF- Torii Hunter
Util- Rickie Weeks
Util- Richie Sexson
Util- Nick Swisher
BN- Tadahito Iguchi
BN- Willy Taveras
BN- Paul "DoLuca" LoDuca
BN- Paul Bako

SP- Chris Carpenter
SP- C.C. "where's my run support" Sabathia
SP- John "Slackjaw" Lackey
RP- Billy "the geezer" Wagner
RP- Jason Isringhausen
RP- Joel Zumaya
P- Dan Haren
P- Bronson Arroyo
P- Kelvim Escobar
BN- Jonathan Broxton
BN- A.J. "DL" Burnett

Notes: I'm pretty speed heavy here. I was late to the draft, and Jose Reyes and Carl Crawford got auto-drafted for me. Nobody needs both those guys. If I had been around, I would have drafted someone with some power in the second round, but that's what trades are for.

T.S.N. League:

C- Mike "Pizza" Piazza

1b- David "Viva El Papi" Ortiz

2b- Tadahito Iguchi

3b- Miguel Cabrera

SS- Carlos Guillen

OF- Ichiro Suzuki

OF- Jermaine Dye

OF- Juan Pierre

Util- Corey Patterson

Util- Moises Alou

Bn- Jason Varitek

Bn- Mark DeRosa

SP- Chris Carpenter

SP- John "Yokel" Lackey

SP- Ervin "no, the other Santana" Santana

RP- Bobby Jenks

RP- Bob Wickman

P- Jake Westbrook

P- Scot Shields

Bn- Kenny "Mudgate" Rogers

Bn- Dan "Lidge, who?" Wheeler

Bn- Anthony "best socks" Reyes

Notes: Jim informs me I'm speed heavy here too, but if one of my bench guys is more productive than Patterson, I'm right in the thick of it. Jim also informs me, I'm projected to have a .300 team average. Between the lines is the fact that I'm betting on several contingencies- a) that Brad Lidge's post traumatic stress disorder will linger and the 'stros will turn to wheeler; b) that the Fat-Closers-Named-Bob-Club can put down the chili and net me a couple saves; c) that Ervin Santana will finally blow up; d) that John Lackey won't blow up in the negative sense; e) that this is the season Anthony Reyes becomes an ace; f) that Jermaine Dye can repeat last year; g) that Mike Piazza will stage his comeback. It seems like a lot, but most of these things are, in my opinion, quite likely to come out my way (especially b, c, d, and g.)

Dee Dee Dee

No story here, just wanted to share a picture of Ken Griffey Jr. looking like a muppet with palsy. Feel free to comment.

Real American Zero *click here

Mr. Great Tickets Guy
Bud Light presents real american zeros
(real american zeros)
Today we salute you, Great Tickets Guy
(Great Tickets Guy)
Real men don't just sit and watch the game from the best seats behind homeplate, real men have friends and a cell phone, they wave whenever their buddies say they are on TV.
(Look I am on the TV)
Ninth inning, the game's on the line, it all comes down to you.Will you give a thumbs up?, or a peace sign?
(Oh it's a hang loose)
Who cares who won the game? There are no more at bats.
(I am famous oh so famous)
So grab an ice cold Bud Light Mr. Great Tickets Guy. you may never meet anyone who recognizes you, but you taped the game.
(Tivo!)
and that's gonna be a family heirloom.
(My great, great, grandfather the TV STAR!)

See the link for a peak.

Have another you fuckin lush!

Well Tonya LaRussa has become the manager of the All-DUI team. You wonder why he wore the sunglasses during night games? Obviously the glare from the lights made his hangover worse. Since I can't think right now, can we make the All-DUI team? Come on with players from each position who have been arrested for a DUI. Was John Kruk? I don't know. He should have been.

PAP SMEAR

I doubt I will ever read that title on the Boston Herald, but hey this is a blog and it doesn't have to be tasteful.

Today the story is Jonathan Papelbons sudden acceptance into the bullpen role. Once avoiding it as if it were the Yankees company cook out, he has decided that he will do what is best for the team. Which to me says, "I don't think I have a choice. If the team starts to lose, I am not going to let the ship go down when I have the perfectly sized finger to plug the hole." The Red Sox had full confidence at the begining of spring training that this issue would be solved. It hasn't.

Mike Timlin is on the DL and Julian Krugger might be able to get it done, but overall I can't get the memories of Paps dominence to just fade away. It's like the first time you had full service on your foul pole. That memory is something you may fall back on years to come...ok I didn't intend on that pun. If closers started losing games, we'd all start chanting and calling for Paps to become our savior. Then of course the big wigs who pony the cash would also have to make a decision, not based upon Jonathan's happiness and preferance, but of the Nations.

I think we will be fine and I also hope Papelbon is a starter from now until the end of his career here in Boston. The kid is worth 20 wins if the bullpen doesn't hand out loses like Enron. I am back here to blog. The season is a little more than a week away and i's time for the stories around the diamond to counts. I have a question for readers, what shade of lip stick does A-Rod wear? Enquiring fiances want to know.

I'm a Pro

It's official. I've been published in an ESPN.com baseball blog. Jayson Stark's to be exact. Now forget about the fact that it's not my blog, or that it's unsolicited information that I e-mailed to ESPN because I was bored and I'm a loser, or that it was drastically edited (meaning only half of what I submitted got on there, with approximately none of the words I actually used). Just remember. I'm on an ESPN blog, you're not (unless you are, in which case we should hang out). ESPN blogs are part of the insider package thing, which means they charge you to read it. Now why do that when you can read my brilliant prose here for free?

Here's what it says for those of you who aren't insiders and hence are less cool than me and probably don't get published in multinational blogs by billionaire broadcasting companies:

"And now, here are your favorite box-score lines from the weekend, as submitted by our trusty readers:

2 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 ER, 0 BB, 4 K

Speaking of dark-horse Cy Young candidates, loyal reader "Matt in New Jersey" submitted that line, by Jonathan Papelbon, March 3 vs. the Phillies. The strikeout victims included Ryan Howard and Aaron Rowand. "

Now, what Stark left off (probably to avoid having ESPN fire him and pay me half as much to do his job) is Joel Pineiro's line from that same game:

1.1 IP, 4 H, 4 R, 4 ER, 2 BB, 0 K, 1 HR

You needn't reach for a calculator, I'll save you the trouble. That's a 15.43 ERA. Keep in mind, this is the guy the Sox are eyeing to close games this season because the aforementioned Papelbon has health issues that leave him better suited for the rotation.

So here's how the joke can go this Spring:

What do Jonathan Papelbon and Joel Pineiro have in common?

Neither of them can save games for the Red Sox.

[insert rim-shot here]